1/3 Of Our Way To Forever

So it has been about a month since move in day for J. We survived my 13 year old being gone for 17 of the days. So far everything is pretty close to perfect. Don’t get me wrong some times my 11, 13 and now 14 year old fights like cats and dogs but it’s normal sibling fights! How relieving for me that it is as normal of a life as it gets. Well normal if being 14 years old and in care for 6 years in a facility for the last two and being discharged and told that this is your family now... normal as that can be. But all in all he has been resilient I won’t lie I am holding my breath that if there is a honey moon or comfort period that we are definitely not out of the woods. But so far if we ask something or assign a chore it’s done without griping and attitude (teen girls man are way way worse). I go in and wake him daily for his morning meds and watch for a second while he sleeps. I’m sad for the days I had to miss before us and the days he was sad. He doesn’t like soft tortilla shells, because when they ran out of bread which was often this is what they ate. I’m sad that I have only 4 more birthdays till he is 18. I’m scared that we will do everything and he will leave us. Each night we do good night hugs tho tonight he skipped I love you because of the video game headset ( I’m ok I said it anyway). He hasn’t said miss amber in a few days not sure the exact count though. 

We are taking our first trip as a family of 6 this week. Pray for us I pray that we all find some relaxation and some peace and happy memories. 

Father’s Day and Dad Issues

Today was Father’s Day 2020 it was a pretty good day for my husband and his dad. My husband started out the morning by cooking waffles, yes he is the cook even on Father’s Day. My children Tried forcing me to cook but nobody wanted that to happen especially my husband LOL. 

Yesterday the kids did a lemonade stand they convince my friend to take them to the Walmart parking lot and let them set up they actually made $60 selling lemonade and cookies most of it was donations I’m sure people don’t want lemonade from Kids right now COVID-19 at all LOL

Today’s episode of dad issues comes from me. My dad adopted me at the age of two it was a stepparent adoption and he has been my dad since I was two. As a child we were not incredibly close I always felt picked on because I wasn’t his biological child. But, as adult I’ve been out very close with him everything and we’ve always celebrate Father’s Day he usually comes over for Christmas morning with us and eats breakfast and watches the kids open their gifts. This past Christmas I suggested that he get one of those big round circle swings for the yard and said that I could easily be for all three kids but that either I would need him to help me put it up in the yard appropriately or buy a stand for it. He did neither of those things and Logan‘s dad ended up having to buy a stand to get it up for the kids to be able to use which of course they do use that swing a lot and it came in handy. Back in February around my birthday I reminded him he had originally been told about the stand or putting it up and he didn’t either and could you please help and he did not help. We really haven’t talked since then.

I have talked to him a couple of times since we started our process with J. One weekend visit I messaged my dad and asked him if he wanted to meet him while he was here he said yes but that he was working and it would be later but he never contacted me back. On a side random note my brother graduated from school to cut hair so I asked him if he would like to do a meet his new nephew and be cut his hair before he went back to the facility after the visit and he read my message and didn’t respond. So after both of these instances I decided to delete both them until they wanted to participate in our new life adventure it’s either in or out there’s no in between for me.  This past week I decided to message him on Tuesday with no response and then also on Wednesday and got no response. Today I messaged him a happy Father’s Day message and his response was just I’ve been working 70 hour weeks and if I’m not working I’m asleep. Wow. Sad. 

So I proceeded to eat my feelings tonight after doing good are we eating keto and being down in weight I ate about four reeses cookies ugh. And that is on daddy issues. 

In other kid news We have reached 24 days at home with j and things are really great on that front! I’m telling you I can’t tell the difference in him and my other kids. But I will say boys are sweeter to their moms than girls. I was asleep on the couch and he came in and put his face next to mine and hugged me. I squeezed him and asked him was this a happy hug or a sad one, he said happy and I just love you mom. So sweet!! Only 66 more days to go out of 90 :) 

4 Days

So today makes 4 days since J has called me Miss Amber... at least to my face 😂 I said to an Adoptive Mom friend who visited us yesterday it's been 3 days, and my lovely hubby was like ACTUALLY zero. J asked when is Miss Amber coming home? Again I do not mind if he calls me Amber only just wish he would drop the miss. He makes a point to say mom at least at bedtime when I hug him goodnight. 

He is such a sweetheart and it is so crazy that he seems like he was here all along. He facetimed me yesterday with a typical squabble between him and my 11 year old. My 11 year old wanted to spend time with him and was laying on the dogs bed in his room talking to him. He called and said she wouldn't get out so I told her of course we respect peoples rights to be in their bedrooms if they do not want visitors in there. I asked him did he want her to go or could she hang out? He smirked to me and said she can hang out. 

In other kiddo news my 13 year old A is not at home with us she went to visit my Grandma in Utah on June 2 she has another week and a day till she comes home. We miss her terribly. J doesn't always express himself as the fact that he loves/misses her and is also her brother so he likes to pick on her and make her angry. They go back and forth blocking each other because one is mad she didn't answer his facetime and the other is mad that he said he is getting Mom's car when he turns 16 😲. 

Things have become much more routine I remember morning and evening meds and bedtimes are good. Since it is summer I usually go to bed between 10-11pm and I tell him he can stay up but not much past 12. He does really well with self regulating that. 

I am adjusting to him being slightly girl crazy! He wants to date everyone he meets. It seems having a girlfriend is super important to him. I mean this is my first rodeo with a 14 year old boy so I am sure it is all NORMAL. Also he was in a facility with all boys for several years so I am sure he is ready to be around girls. 

Mom such a simple yet complex word

It’s been 41 days since meeting in person our newest edition 14 year old “J”. Since the second meeting he has called my husband logan dad... and sometimes me mom but mostly I’m “Ms Amber” (I told him hey you can call me amber I just don’t prefer Ms Amber). He did it several more times and again my hubby is ALWAYS Dad.... I didn’t say anything till after he moved in. And then I told him again you don’t have to call me Mom but please don’t call me Ms amber 😂. 

Some times he would call me mom but mostly it was still Ms Amber this and that. I took to just responding with “Mister” before his name. Maybe that’s petty and I’m certainly not trying to be petty just don’t prefer the Miss added to my name. He laughed and took it in stride. 

Two days ago we were riding and this young lady I know that’s a family friend texted his phone and said “are you with your mom or dad” he showed me and I laughed and said “Tell her you’re with Miss Amber” he busted our laughing and texted back “I’m with my mom”. Those words mean something so precious coming from a child who is 14 years old and has only known me for 41 days of his 5,195 days of life. 

He loves his biological mom as I think most kids from care do. We talk about her and I love when he tells me about being little. There are some stories that make my heart ache but I’m thankful he is brave enough to share them. I will never take his mothers place but I can’t lie and say I don’t want to be his mom. It’s been two days since he has said miss amber and if he does again I’ll update. 

My favorite time of the day is bedtime when I get precious hugs lasting 30 seconds and tell him I love him and he says it back. The love I have for him grows every day and I’m blessed to be is mom .... or miss amber whichever he prefers. 

10pm is second dinner

So we have family dinner time at 6/6:30 daily we all sit at the table. J can literally finish his food in under two minutes if he makes his plate by the time the next person is at the table he’s done and getting up. I had to gently remind him that we all sit together for dinner time and even if he finished early he can stay a bit. 
He doesn’t eat much during the day but around 10pm he has what I refer to as second dinner in which he eats either 3 bowls of cereal with milk, 2 packs of pop tarts or Ramen noodles. I know it’s not healthy but he is hungry and we don’t want him to go hungry. 
Lesson here for those that are not trauma informed. Kiddos from care often come with food issues. I don’t know why my kiddo wants to eat so late. I think it’s when his adhd meds which prob make him not very hungry wear off or maybe it’s a teenage boy thing. But food can help to bond and it’s best to not say no when they ask for food. 

J for Now

J for Now

         For the blog purposes and also in real life social media our newest kiddo goes by J. We left off the last post getting matched officially on April 3rd 2020. On this day his social worker told him there was a family that wanted him. (this makes me weepy still because no child should EVER feel unwanted :( but so many do!) On April 6th 2020 I got word that we could "meet" via face time so I rushed home from work to "meet" our newest kid (definitely not the most ideal way to meet but we worked with that due to Covid-19). We had a one hour call and he was way bigger than his video (had been posted for a year on heart gallery) The call went perfect and truly it was LOVE at first sight this is the message I emailed our APAC worker:

Hey just updating you we FaceTimed our J today. We got to talk for a whole hour. Love him already. We gave him a virtual tour of our house. Him and the girls chatted and asked each other questions. He told us about his siblings and he just wants to know when he gets to come here. ️️ Best day ever.

     

     We had weekly phone calls that were limited to only 15 Minutes each time. I mailed him a package and sent photos so he could look at them. We were told that we could not do any visits due to Covid-19. Eventually we were told we could do a one day visit which had to take place before we could have a weekend visit to our house. 

  Our one day visit began on April 24, 2020 we drove to the small town Alabama city he was close to and rented an Airbnb for the night so that we could pick him up right at 8 am. The next morning all of our nerves in a bunch we drove over to pick him up! He climbed in the car and we were all still very nervous, but after 5 minutes we were all talking and it was completely fine! We played games and he built legos with Logan and the kids and we colored I knew for absolute certain this was the one it had been the one the whole time we went through our process. I know we were called to be his family. Here is the email update I sent the workers: 

Thank you for making a way. Our family enjoyed our time yesterday. J seemed to enjoy it too. We played uno and board games and then just let the kiddos hang out and chat it up. I don’t think a more perfect day could be had. We are all very eager to take the next step in the process. And again from the bottom of my heart thank you for making this happen! He fit in like he is already their brother and my kiddo. P (age 3) my youngest told A (13) and N (11) he is only her brother not theirs. We had some pics printed at Walgreens so that he could have those at the facility he took back. Here is what we took yesterday ️️ (My heart is full and also sad to leave him.)

Amber

  I immediately asked to have our next visit scheduled and on May 1st we got to pick him up to come and stay for the weekend. That weekend went great and I asked right away for him to move in. The more we heard about the place he was having to live at the more I wanted him living with us ASAP plus I hated not hearing from him except once a week for 15 Min. Here is the email I sent after the weekend:

 J was taken back to the facility this morning. We enjoyed our 3 days with him and he has acclimated seemingly well. I am interested to see how he does this week upon returning. We have no reservations at this time and none for the foreseeable future. At this point I am wondering if we can anticipate/plan a move in date or plan to work towards. If we are not ready at this point to discuss that I would request possibly getting another visit scheduled and if possible a longer time frame (maybe a week of applicable) I would like to extend the bonding work we have already begun working towards integrating him into the family as soon as we can. He is fitting in well with our children and listening very well at anything we asked of him. He has expressed that he is ready to move in. I also realize maybe his school year is finishing up and we may have to wait that out so just looking for guidance and what can be expected. I pray you all are well. 

  We were shot down for the move in but they agreed for a week visit so from May 9th-17th he was at our house and it was perfect. While he was there I messaged asking to keep him and was told no but they did return with a Permanency plan and move in date of May 28th. Here is the email I sent following  that week: 

Per my usual just letting all of you know that our week was amazing. We hated dropping him off. He wants me to see if it’s possible to pick him Friday to Monday since he can’t move home till next Thursday the 28th. It’s a long drive but he is worth it. Thanks for all of your hard work with this transition we are so happy to have our moving in date. I told him it’s only ten more sleeps till forever and to be good. It’s so tough only hearing from him once a week. Four hugs before bedtime last night because he wanted so much to have it not be today.

Hope you all have a great week!!

We did have a weekend visit the weekend before move in and all in all I counted 8 Round trips 2.5 hours each way Worth.Every.Mile. On May 28th he got to move in with us and as of today it has been one week. This kiddo is awesome. Will share more about him in following posts. 

Finding Our Match

Finding Our Match

    We wanted to submit on a kiddo right away so went on Heart Gallery and did submit on two diff kiddo's this was the moment that I had been waiting for. And then for a while I heard nothing. I made a post in a FB group and asked how long it can take and received varying answers. Luckily APAC has wonderful people and our family advocate reached out and asked which kiddo's I had applied for and got the ball rolling fast. Our family had a few things that were what we considered hard no's for us. This is one of the things your classes will go over is what things you can and cannot handle. Well the two kids ended up not being able to match to our family due to some of this or sometimes they couldn't be placed with other kids or younger kids. We were then emailed NIBS (Non Identifying Background Summary) on a kiddo who unfortunately would not have fit either. 

   Nonetheless we pressed on. At one point I looked at Logan (hubby) and said what if I changed my mind? What if this is truly too much for us to take on. I cried over some of the children's summary's and questioned if I could really take on the responsibility of helping these kids rise from the trauma of their lives. I searched my soul and talked at length to Logan and my bio kiddos and found strength in their answers. So daily I looked at the heart gallery and originally we were staying between ages of 6-10 trying to stay between our youngest and middle child. 

  One day(March 23. 2019)  I came across this kiddo he was 14 and so cute and his bio seemed to align with our family. His video was sweet and he seemed super sad in it. I messaged the link to my older kids and to Logan. They all said yes this one. So then I hit apply. I immediately messaged our family advocate to tell her I inquired and who it was on. The next day she sent me his NIBS. I anxiously read them, every single kids Nibs I have read has made me cry there is always some back and forth in the system before they are totally taken and it's so sad for them. But after reading I forwarded it to my hubby and we both agreed we can handle it. Nothing was a red flag that was listed on it. On March 27th we replied without hesitation YES!! Next stop was staffing in which APAC, the social worker, the state adoption worker and others who then scour our home study and read all information available on the kiddo to make the best decision for the CHILD concerned. We anxiously awaited our phone call saying we were matched. Now our next steps will look slightly diff than the norm because we were in the throws of a pandemic (covid-19) and state shut down... 

In the next post we will talk about "meeting" our newly matched Kiddo!! 

Instant Family Inspiration

Instant Family Inspiration

       One evening in the summer of 2019 me and my family rented and watched a movie named  Instant Family. Which of course is about a married couple who adopts a sibling set from Foster Care. It shows the trials and victories you can go through and is based on a true story. Well in watching this movie it is where I learned that literally thousands of children in the United States are available for adoption immediately (their parents rights have been terminated through the state). I immediately googled and found https://www.adoptuskids.org/ and also our local heart gallery. Every single day I looked on them and clicked on each child and read their story and watched their videos. I never knew kids would be listed in this way but do understand that is how they find families that may match them. I began researching and reading everything I could read. I would send the kids profiles to my husband to look at and he would ask me why I was sending them. You see we are already parents of 3 girls... One of which we had a time with last year getting her diagnosed with Bipolar including hospitalizations. 

     I started telling friends and family that I was thinking of beginning the steps to adopt a boy through the state from foster care. I was asked if I was crazy... The faces they would make thinking that he would hurt my other kids (at this point just a fictional child as far as they were concerned). A lot of this thinking is because so many people share the bad only that happens. I joined many Facebook groups on older child adoption. There were so many positive stories!! 

   So after much praying and soul searching and speaking to my kids and also to my husband we applied to adopt through an awesome program APAC- Alabama Pre and Post Adoption Connections. They were very responsive and helps me to get all of our information over to them. This was August 2019 that we began the paperwork process.  Normally after paperwork pre approval you can begin your certification classes(tips class)  usually in a group, but the closest one was 2 hours from us and in the evening and just not possible for us to attend. At first I thought that this would be preventative to us and we couldn't continue.... but APAC told me that if they can do the background checks and get us fully approved they would let us do our classes in our home around our schedule with a retired Social Worker! At the end of September we were told everything came back a yes and we scheduled with a wonderful retired Social worker named Wanda. 

   This next part seemed to take the longest we had a couple holidays and delays in between but we began the classes in October 2019 and we took ten diff classes that taught us to be Trauma informed. Wanda would come and bring the kiddos pizza and cookies and teach us the ins and outs of Trauma. It was crazy how much we already knew from our kids situations being that my oldest daughter experienced a traumatic situation at 3 years old with a domestic violence situation between me and her biological father. These classes were provided to us at no cost other than our time. We were FINALLY certified February 27, 2020 and able to then inquire on kiddos.