Fairness doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing

Fair doesn’t mean giving every child the same thing, it means giving them what they need. -Rick Lavoie 

That being said I want to say yes I parent my children differently each of my four kiddos have different needs, abilities and also pasts. My biological older girls have decided that I treat our new adoptive placement J different and “better”. I argue this. Don’t get me wrong do I treat him different? Yes. I take into account trauma, his past, and also the fact that he is super agreeable still and he does not talk back and he does what he’s asked. So biological kids who don’t have trauma, were not in past facilities and who choose to talk back will receive appropriate consequences for their actions. All of the teen and preteen children in my house all have screen time on their phone, their phones all lock daily by 11 PM while we are in summer, they all participate in chores. I am not sure where it’s not “fair“ I personally cannot see that. Maybe it’s the fact that I speak to him a little softer and a little sweeter then I do to them? I have also asked my oldest if some alone time with me would help her feelings I don’t discredit her feelings and I am sure it certainly is a big adjustment.

One of the things you learned that in your classes is birth order and we take this into account and originally our age range was older than our youngest and younger than our middle. So my oldest having some displacement feelings is actually kind of normal. It’s not ground shaking or detrimental. But there has been some sibling rivalry and control struggles. 

Life isn’t and truly should not be all unicorns and rainbows so therefore I will make sure to share our struggles as well as our successes. 

On another note he has said Miss Amber again LOL I don’t know why this is a big deal for me but it is. 

I was scrolling around Instagram and I found the post where heart Gallery had shared his photo and information and I realized that it was over a year he waited once he knew that he was posted on a website to be selected over a year. Imagine if you posted yourself on a dating website and you heard from nobody who wanted to date you for over a year. Now imagine that you’re a child without a family stuck in a facility with some pretty rough kids, who also need grace because they are also looking for homes. Imagine every day probably felt like an eternity and almost like you’re in prison and you don’t know your how long your sentence is. The Foster Care system needs more people who are willing to take in Teens and let them make mistakes and not disrupt but stand there and help them to become adults. It makes me so sad to know the majority of the teens listed on Heart Galleries across America are in Group homes, or behavior facilities. 

The Trauma of it all

Eff trauma and ptsd. When it comes out you can run from it or you can grow. I won’t share the whole thing for privacy’s sake but J had some stuff to work through on the 4th. I understand completely tho because you see the body remembers even if the mind does not. July is a tough month for me in 1999 my grandmother died July 11th, in 2001 my papa died in July as well and I lost a baby in 2003 who was due in July. So needless to say not a very good month. 

So J was at a house with the girls and one of my trusted friends to watch some fireworks and later I realize he has been in a tiny bubble that is our house. He was in the room with several teens. He got overwhelmed and went to sit in the closet and they made some jokes about him needing to come out of the closet. Well his brain switched over to fight, flight or freeze. His inclination was to fight he called me and I spent 20 min convincing him it wouldn’t be a good idea to fight them. Well apparently he also cursed them out. My 13 year old was upset he cursed (it was literally in his paperwork that when upset he cursed a lot). So she was threatening to call me to tell. He said he would tell me himself which he did. But she called and he felt like he was going to have to go back to the facility. He got brought home and we spent several hours talking through his upsets. We went over lots of past stuff that I honestly didn’t know about. And he told me his very first foster home in 2013 lost their license because of stuff that happened on 4th of July. I assured him no matter what I’m in this for forever. 

I’m a little concerned with school but we have to work through things like this. 

Vacay Update and ThreeNager Whoa's

We got home from our vacay we went and visited Mentone, AL and stayed in a cabin. Everything went completely great! We had no wifi or cable and the children survived!! They pretty much canoed around a little pond and fished the whole time. We snuck up to Chattanooga and went to the zoo there. All in all it was a great first trip with J. 

Now to the ThreeNager... she is going to be the death of me!! She poops her pants 95% of the time that she goes number 2!! And then last night she got into makeup when she went on an adventure alone in my room.... she got Nars lip stain ALL OVER herself and the wall and the door! She also simultaniously pooped herself and when I first saw her face I thought it was smeared with poop!! Take a look at this Tik Tok I made of her:  https://vm.tiktok.com/JRQ5VoB/

I have decided the Teenagers are way way easier!! 

On another note only 54 days from today till we hit our 90 day mark with J! Time flies when we are busy!!