Goodbye Brother August 4, 2021

 The following post is going to be a rundown of things that happened to me following receiving the worst news I have ever received which was my brother was dead. Later I will post about the actual 911 call and the police report and ultimately being able to piece more of the puzzle together. But from August of 2021 through early 2022 I was like a detective I did all the research and ultimately even received crime scene photos along with the police report and a recording of the 911 call. 

August 4th, 2021, was the worst day of my life. I was asleep and at 4:16am my Aunt Barbara called me and told me my brother had died via a gunshot.  I was in absolute horror and disbelief, about 3 seconds later my mom called me wailing and said JONATHAN IS DEAD and made a scream I can still hear in my mind. I was frantic and I said, “I’m coming, I’m coming”. I woke Alivia up and said Jonathan is dead. I need you to get up, Skye will need you there. Her first word was a tearful “WHY?!?!” I said I don’t have any idea, but I need you to hurry. I got in my car, and I am not even sure how I made it. Driving was surreal. I made it there and I felt like this cannot be reality. My parents were sitting on my mom’s porch. Mom had no color in her face and alternated between crying and screaming and reasking if he was really gone. My dad was trying to be so strong. 

The coroner had banged on my mom’s windows just after 3 am but she didn’t know it was him. Skye had woken up to someone banging on her window frantically and was terrified and they called the police and huddled in the bathroom. She called my aunt and woke her up scared someone was trying to break in her house. The police came and looked around and found nothing and left. My dad called her shortly after that and said when I get there, open the door. Skye asked him how did you know something was wrong? He replied "Coroner"… My mom said surely, he means corner like he is at the corner of the street. When he got there, he delivered the fatal blow of the news Jonathan is dead. He said he was drinking, and he shot himself in front of his fiancée M. I couldn’t even believe it. Honestly that morning was a big blur. I know at some point I left mom’s house to go home and change so I could go with dad to the cremation place, and we could try to go see Jonathan one last time at the hospital. When I got home, I woke Natalie up to tell her and she screamed “why mommy”. Why was the question of the morning. It will continue to be the theme. I flipped through the clothes in my closet and my brain can’t function… What do you wear to see your baby brother one last time? It really wouldn’t have mattered, and I don’t even remember what I wore now but I recall thinking I couldn’t find anything that is appropriate because this FUCKING sucks. 

    While at the cremation center the hospital called and they wanted to know if he could donate anything usable (this made my dad's legs buckle and his voice shake because for a moment we thought he was still alive but alas it was a call for bones and tissue that could be used) and we said yes. Dad ordered the cremation and 5 copies of the death certificate. We went to Piedmont Midtown Next to see if we could be allowed to say goodbye. We sat for what seemed like forever, dad called the barbershop where Jonathan worked to inform them but the detectives had already been there to confirm Jonathan was left-handed. After he came inside the security officer (maybe also a policeman) from the door came over and said we had to leave so that we could not see Jonathan once more. My mom was so upset but my dad seemed relieved he had no want or desire to see Jonathan in that way. At this moment we weren’t even sure how his head and face would look but even his hand or a piece could comfort my mom. My dad dropped us back off at mom’s house. Me, my aunt Barbara and Skye all sat there just talking. M, Jonathan's fiancée and the last person to hear him alive said she would come over and offered to tell us about what she could tell. She came over around 1pm and was taken to the police station from the house and questioned for several hours. 

There is a recording of her telling us of that night.

  

M: I had done the laundry while he was at work that day and when we got home from Stars and Strikes he had drank way too much and I asked him for help and we just got into an argument about that soooo stupid. 

A: Was he alive when the ambulance showed up? 

M: I held his hand and I put him on his side

A: Did he look at you?

M: *crying* 

A: Do you feel like it’s because he was drunk?

M: He was so angry

A: About the sheets?

M: Because I was killing his mood. It escalated so quickly so fast

A: Did he say he was going to or did he pull it out and do it?

M: 

LOONNG pause 

A: in your bedroom?

M: Nods. He had put a tee shirt on his back because he said he was done and I hugged him and I said please don’t go. And He grabbed the pistol?? (Not sure that this was said)

M: keeps repeating I am so sorry I am so sorry

A: I am sorry you had to see that

T: Crying badly wailing “they wouldn’t let me say bye they won’t let me hold his hand they won’t let me see him. I don’t care what's wrong with his face

A: Is his face ok? 

M: The last time I saw his face it was ok the last time I saw him. (something about his eye) he started coughing blood and so I put him onto his side and I don’t remember I just held him 

T:  I mean was he rational

S: He was drunk

A: He was drunk and she asked him to help make their bed and he told her she was killing his vibe and he put his shirt over his shoulder to leave and she hugged him and then he did it

S: He was trying to leave

A: and he was drunk 

M: It was so stupid 

A: they went to stars and strikes and they both had to much to drink 

M: I just wanted some help because I spent all day working on the house

A: She spent all day cleaning the house and she wanted him to help her

T: Do you think that he actually meant to do that or was it because he was drunk?

M: I don’t think so! 

T: I don’t think so either 

M: He wouldn’t Fucking leave us like that 

T: He wouldn’t

M: His friends did this he wouldn’t do this

T: He wouldn’t that's all I can say he didn't plan this this was not planned

M: It was sooo quick 

T: He wasn’t even that mad

T: He did not plan to be in the morgue today 

No response to that from M

S: Very Jonathan thing

T: Did he act like he was hurting? What were you drinking? 

M: He had a shot at our friend's house before we left. They each bought pitchers shared amongst the group. I don’t know how much of it he drank. 

A: Do you think he didn’t know there was a bullet in there? And if I just pick it up like?

M: To try to scare me 

A: to let him go let him leave at that point

M: I am so sorry

A: It’s not your fault

M: I should have just went to bed

A: Do you think that his brain was working when you called the ambulance?

M: He was still breathing when I called

A: Was he able to talk or speak?

M: No he couldn’t say anything I talked to him I said baby please stay with me please please 

Aunt Barb comes in and says we can go to hospital and mom invites M to go. This is when we got to go and say goodbye. Aunt Barbara went to Marissa's house to get shoes for M to wear as she had no shoes on coming from the police station. 

When we get to the hospital we are put into a small waiting area to wait for them to finish getting him ready for us. At this point I really regret not revisiting the moment before it happened I still had many questions to ask:

Did he say I am going to kill myself to her?

When did he obtain the gun?

Sheets do not make any sense. Was there something else he was angry over?

But instead I don’t ask she says “We had the best day yesterday we went to the place we had our first date and we had so much fun going out with our friends (the good people)”

Me: Was that planned? him taking you to a first date place?

Her: We just kind of wound up there with our roommate and him. 

My internal dialogue now finds it suspicious he gave her this awesome day did he plan it? My head says maybe my heart says no…. 

Then a kind lady security officer comes to get us. She takes my mom ever so sweetly and hugs her and holds her hand down the elevator to where I can assume is the morgue we go. Down a long cold empty hallway we walk. They take us to a door and we go in. He is laid with his feet to head going from left to right so we had a view of his left side of his body. His mouth still had the intubation tubes in it and he was covered up to his neck with the sheet. Right above his ear is a wound that looks like a cigarette burn. This is where the bullet must have went in… We did not think to look for the exit wound at the time. Now we are there to say our goodbyes: a mom to her son, a sister to her brother and a fiance to her love. They kiss his forehead and touch his hair. When my turn comes I say to everyone you won’t like what I have to say to him!! 

Me to Jonathan “You’re a fucking asshole!! But man do I love you and I am sure going to miss you.” 

We turn to walk out and mom turns back and the sweet nurse comes and says I saw you turn around do you need longer? Mom went back to her baby boy's head and spent a little more brief moments of time before we left. 

We will never get any more answers from the fiancée and things get a little weird from here with her going forward. 

The days are blurry from here until Saturday. Lots of sitting with mom in the daytime and helping my dad clean at nighttime. On Friday mom couldn’t be located. She said I am at a park. But she wasn't, she drove over to Jonathan's needing to see his bedroom for herself. We all thought this was torture for her mind but alas it is something she as a mom needed. The fiancée came to let her in and was sort of rude. She said first she didn’t have to let her in, that Jonathan's name was only on the deed and not the mortgage. But truly that did not matter… Then she agreed to let her in and told her she couldn’t touch anything… So mom goes in and she sees what happened and where she collects Jonathan’s dog Malinko’s ashes and paw print she gets a plug he wore in his ear.

If you want to watch I have a link to his funeral here: Youtube to Jonathan's Funeral

Over two years past time to update!

 So, in December of 2020 we finally DID finalize J's adoption. And now looking back I can remember how frustrating it was in those moments. But if I did not read it then I would not have even remembered. Things are mostly good. I think I am meant to be a mom to so many. I remember writing my dating profile in 2012 stating all the things I thought.... I DO NOT want any more children... LOL N and A were 4 and 5 at the time and I was a single mom and very content with the two kiddos. Then I got married and Logan had no bio kiddos, so we had P.... then I got the wild idea to adopt J.... and now most days I have 6 kids and sometimes I have 7. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe... so many kids she didn't know what to do?? LOL we help my aunt with Z who is my cousin he is 6 and him and P are like 2 peas in a pod. He spends weekends with us. Next up we have N who was a former foster youth who was adopted at 16... at 18 she decided she could not live with her adopted parents anymore and now her and my two oldest girls share a bedroom. And last but not least my daughter N has a friend who comes over most weekends as well. 

   So, 2021 is officially the worst year of my life. On August 4th, 2021, my brother Jonathan died. I think I will use this blog to write about the things I did after that and my mission to try to figure out what happened actually. 

    I am still at my same job managing a Property Investment company where I oversee an office that handles over 400 diff homes that are rented. There is probably more stories than I know to share but I will just share those I remember and the new ones that come along. This is definitely a therapeutic effort for me.  

Stories to come: 

The girl that jumped out of a car

The mystery behind my brothers death

All sorts of parenting and child stories 

All about my mommy makeover! 

October Update

    Today marks 146 days since J has moved in. We are still waiting on the legal side of things to catch up with the progress we are seeing in our home. This kiddo is thriving in our home. He seems to be quite adaptive to chores and the rules of the house. He struggled a bit with Regular school since he hasn't attended a "regular" school since about 5th grade. First few weeks of school through the progress report mid cycle he had some failing grades as well as some very good grades. We removed video games and phone use for weekdays and saw improvement immediately and they were all brought up a significant amount by the end of the 9 weeks. 

   The good news is our Adoption worker now says that we finally have everything in place to adopt and we are hoping to do so by end of November. Please keep us in your prayers so that we can make our family legally permanent. 

   In other "news" I was contacted on Insta to tell our families story of adoption and I am so excited as I firmly believe in Teen Adoption and would love to hopefully inspire others to give children permanency when they otherwise might not have it. I cannot wait to rejoice in our adoption day but also will be mournful as well for that will finally sever J from legal ties to his first mother. I truly hope one day we can reach out to his mother and establish a positive relationship that would be beneficial to him with her as well as healthy. 

  Some days when I think a lot I get sad thinking of just how much we missed of his life and how much time I have left. But I try to look at it this way I may have missed the majority of his childhood as he will be 15 next year and I am sure time will pass just as fast as it does with my bio kiddos which as we all know it flies! 

Not all Sunshine and Rainbows

I yelled at J for the first time this week... we are good and OK now but there are times we have to give ourselves some grace as parents. We were all walking in the house and he was carrying his laptop and books rather than having them in his book-bag he pushes the door open and into my 3 year old so my 13 year old says to him you just shoved P with the door!!! J was very upset and took and threw his books including his computer at the floor... so I became reactive and yelled at him. Parents some days we have to apologize for our reactions to our children we are not perfect by any means. We still hugged goodnight and said I love you. 

Missing His Bus

So we have now been in school ending our 4th week. I had a almost heart attack when on Wednesday J got on the wrong bus! He texted his sister (my bio 13 year old) and told her I think I am on the wrong bus.... well he was and I was at work an hour away and my husband was also at work so I am texting him telling him stay on the bus and find out where the last stop is. He doesn't respond to me and decides to just get off the bus.... We do locate him and now he knows if he is ever unsure not to get on the bus to just stay at school because we know how to get there quickly if needed. 

Woosa I am writing this on Friday and I am so thankful it's almost the weekend. The kids now get to attend in person school 3 days a week till end of September and fingers crossed we will be in school 5 days come October. This weekend we are celebrating P's 4th birthday. 

94 days

 I have not wrote in a while. To be honest life was a little busy for a little bit and also I got a little disheartened. This system has its flaws it is not perfect my kiddo has about half of his paperwork with his last name misspelled. Therefore things are being held up while they go back and edit all of his paperwork this includes official court documents etc. It’s a little bit frustrating because we found out at about the 80 day mark that we would not be able to finalize shortly after our 90 days. There are several factors to do with this none of which can be helped and one of which is of course Covid. So even though he’s lived here for 94 days we have not received his medical documentation and we also have not received our subsidy. School shopping was a little tougher than I had prepared for it to be since I had figured that by the time school time rolled around the subsidy would be coming in. 

But on a positive note tomorrow begins the third week of school. And this school year we have our adoptive kiddo who is in ninth grade, our 13-year-old who is in eighth grade, and are newly 12 years old who is in seventh grade. In these unprecedented times of COVID-19 they are able to attend school two days a week in person and three days a week virtually. The first week of school was a bit of a learning curve since it is actually his first year in normal school since fifth grade. He has also not had any accessibility to technology and had to learn Google classroom etc. The district that we are in has used chrome book since the children were in sixth grade so most of the kids that are in his grade have been using them three years already.

One thing I have noticed is that while he has no problem telling us about his history on his own terms that is, he is uncomfortable with the assignments that want to talk about his history to his teachers and classmates. It is understandable why he would feel uncomfortable about sharing this. Like I’ve said before I cannot imagine being 14 and in a home where I just met the people that I am with.

In other news I can’t tell you how many days it’s been since I’ve been called Miss Amber I’m kind of hesitant to write this because every time I write it it comes back around. I am consistently thankfully  just Mom. 

Other than that I can’t think of what else to write right now I just wanted to make a quick update as of right now our goal day is September 28 but I refuse to make a Countdown for that because I don’t want to be disappointed again. I’ve been in a funk for a couple of days and I think it’s a sort of depressive state for several things that are going on but also this is a major thing.

Fairness doesn’t mean everyone gets the same thing

Fair doesn’t mean giving every child the same thing, it means giving them what they need. -Rick Lavoie 

That being said I want to say yes I parent my children differently each of my four kiddos have different needs, abilities and also pasts. My biological older girls have decided that I treat our new adoptive placement J different and “better”. I argue this. Don’t get me wrong do I treat him different? Yes. I take into account trauma, his past, and also the fact that he is super agreeable still and he does not talk back and he does what he’s asked. So biological kids who don’t have trauma, were not in past facilities and who choose to talk back will receive appropriate consequences for their actions. All of the teen and preteen children in my house all have screen time on their phone, their phones all lock daily by 11 PM while we are in summer, they all participate in chores. I am not sure where it’s not “fair“ I personally cannot see that. Maybe it’s the fact that I speak to him a little softer and a little sweeter then I do to them? I have also asked my oldest if some alone time with me would help her feelings I don’t discredit her feelings and I am sure it certainly is a big adjustment.

One of the things you learned that in your classes is birth order and we take this into account and originally our age range was older than our youngest and younger than our middle. So my oldest having some displacement feelings is actually kind of normal. It’s not ground shaking or detrimental. But there has been some sibling rivalry and control struggles. 

Life isn’t and truly should not be all unicorns and rainbows so therefore I will make sure to share our struggles as well as our successes. 

On another note he has said Miss Amber again LOL I don’t know why this is a big deal for me but it is. 

I was scrolling around Instagram and I found the post where heart Gallery had shared his photo and information and I realized that it was over a year he waited once he knew that he was posted on a website to be selected over a year. Imagine if you posted yourself on a dating website and you heard from nobody who wanted to date you for over a year. Now imagine that you’re a child without a family stuck in a facility with some pretty rough kids, who also need grace because they are also looking for homes. Imagine every day probably felt like an eternity and almost like you’re in prison and you don’t know your how long your sentence is. The Foster Care system needs more people who are willing to take in Teens and let them make mistakes and not disrupt but stand there and help them to become adults. It makes me so sad to know the majority of the teens listed on Heart Galleries across America are in Group homes, or behavior facilities. 

The Trauma of it all

Eff trauma and ptsd. When it comes out you can run from it or you can grow. I won’t share the whole thing for privacy’s sake but J had some stuff to work through on the 4th. I understand completely tho because you see the body remembers even if the mind does not. July is a tough month for me in 1999 my grandmother died July 11th, in 2001 my papa died in July as well and I lost a baby in 2003 who was due in July. So needless to say not a very good month. 

So J was at a house with the girls and one of my trusted friends to watch some fireworks and later I realize he has been in a tiny bubble that is our house. He was in the room with several teens. He got overwhelmed and went to sit in the closet and they made some jokes about him needing to come out of the closet. Well his brain switched over to fight, flight or freeze. His inclination was to fight he called me and I spent 20 min convincing him it wouldn’t be a good idea to fight them. Well apparently he also cursed them out. My 13 year old was upset he cursed (it was literally in his paperwork that when upset he cursed a lot). So she was threatening to call me to tell. He said he would tell me himself which he did. But she called and he felt like he was going to have to go back to the facility. He got brought home and we spent several hours talking through his upsets. We went over lots of past stuff that I honestly didn’t know about. And he told me his very first foster home in 2013 lost their license because of stuff that happened on 4th of July. I assured him no matter what I’m in this for forever. 

I’m a little concerned with school but we have to work through things like this. 

Vacay Update and ThreeNager Whoa's

We got home from our vacay we went and visited Mentone, AL and stayed in a cabin. Everything went completely great! We had no wifi or cable and the children survived!! They pretty much canoed around a little pond and fished the whole time. We snuck up to Chattanooga and went to the zoo there. All in all it was a great first trip with J. 

Now to the ThreeNager... she is going to be the death of me!! She poops her pants 95% of the time that she goes number 2!! And then last night she got into makeup when she went on an adventure alone in my room.... she got Nars lip stain ALL OVER herself and the wall and the door! She also simultaniously pooped herself and when I first saw her face I thought it was smeared with poop!! Take a look at this Tik Tok I made of her:  https://vm.tiktok.com/JRQ5VoB/

I have decided the Teenagers are way way easier!! 

On another note only 54 days from today till we hit our 90 day mark with J! Time flies when we are busy!! 

1/3 Of Our Way To Forever

So it has been about a month since move in day for J. We survived my 13 year old being gone for 17 of the days. So far everything is pretty close to perfect. Don’t get me wrong some times my 11, 13 and now 14 year old fights like cats and dogs but it’s normal sibling fights! How relieving for me that it is as normal of a life as it gets. Well normal if being 14 years old and in care for 6 years in a facility for the last two and being discharged and told that this is your family now... normal as that can be. But all in all he has been resilient I won’t lie I am holding my breath that if there is a honey moon or comfort period that we are definitely not out of the woods. But so far if we ask something or assign a chore it’s done without griping and attitude (teen girls man are way way worse). I go in and wake him daily for his morning meds and watch for a second while he sleeps. I’m sad for the days I had to miss before us and the days he was sad. He doesn’t like soft tortilla shells, because when they ran out of bread which was often this is what they ate. I’m sad that I have only 4 more birthdays till he is 18. I’m scared that we will do everything and he will leave us. Each night we do good night hugs tho tonight he skipped I love you because of the video game headset ( I’m ok I said it anyway). He hasn’t said miss amber in a few days not sure the exact count though. 

We are taking our first trip as a family of 6 this week. Pray for us I pray that we all find some relaxation and some peace and happy memories. 

Father’s Day and Dad Issues

Today was Father’s Day 2020 it was a pretty good day for my husband and his dad. My husband started out the morning by cooking waffles, yes he is the cook even on Father’s Day. My children Tried forcing me to cook but nobody wanted that to happen especially my husband LOL. 

Yesterday the kids did a lemonade stand they convince my friend to take them to the Walmart parking lot and let them set up they actually made $60 selling lemonade and cookies most of it was donations I’m sure people don’t want lemonade from Kids right now COVID-19 at all LOL

Today’s episode of dad issues comes from me. My dad adopted me at the age of two it was a stepparent adoption and he has been my dad since I was two. As a child we were not incredibly close I always felt picked on because I wasn’t his biological child. But, as adult I’ve been out very close with him everything and we’ve always celebrate Father’s Day he usually comes over for Christmas morning with us and eats breakfast and watches the kids open their gifts. This past Christmas I suggested that he get one of those big round circle swings for the yard and said that I could easily be for all three kids but that either I would need him to help me put it up in the yard appropriately or buy a stand for it. He did neither of those things and Logan‘s dad ended up having to buy a stand to get it up for the kids to be able to use which of course they do use that swing a lot and it came in handy. Back in February around my birthday I reminded him he had originally been told about the stand or putting it up and he didn’t either and could you please help and he did not help. We really haven’t talked since then.

I have talked to him a couple of times since we started our process with J. One weekend visit I messaged my dad and asked him if he wanted to meet him while he was here he said yes but that he was working and it would be later but he never contacted me back. On a side random note my brother graduated from school to cut hair so I asked him if he would like to do a meet his new nephew and be cut his hair before he went back to the facility after the visit and he read my message and didn’t respond. So after both of these instances I decided to delete both them until they wanted to participate in our new life adventure it’s either in or out there’s no in between for me.  This past week I decided to message him on Tuesday with no response and then also on Wednesday and got no response. Today I messaged him a happy Father’s Day message and his response was just I’ve been working 70 hour weeks and if I’m not working I’m asleep. Wow. Sad. 

So I proceeded to eat my feelings tonight after doing good are we eating keto and being down in weight I ate about four reeses cookies ugh. And that is on daddy issues. 

In other kid news We have reached 24 days at home with j and things are really great on that front! I’m telling you I can’t tell the difference in him and my other kids. But I will say boys are sweeter to their moms than girls. I was asleep on the couch and he came in and put his face next to mine and hugged me. I squeezed him and asked him was this a happy hug or a sad one, he said happy and I just love you mom. So sweet!! Only 66 more days to go out of 90 :) 

4 Days

So today makes 4 days since J has called me Miss Amber... at least to my face 😂 I said to an Adoptive Mom friend who visited us yesterday it's been 3 days, and my lovely hubby was like ACTUALLY zero. J asked when is Miss Amber coming home? Again I do not mind if he calls me Amber only just wish he would drop the miss. He makes a point to say mom at least at bedtime when I hug him goodnight. 

He is such a sweetheart and it is so crazy that he seems like he was here all along. He facetimed me yesterday with a typical squabble between him and my 11 year old. My 11 year old wanted to spend time with him and was laying on the dogs bed in his room talking to him. He called and said she wouldn't get out so I told her of course we respect peoples rights to be in their bedrooms if they do not want visitors in there. I asked him did he want her to go or could she hang out? He smirked to me and said she can hang out. 

In other kiddo news my 13 year old A is not at home with us she went to visit my Grandma in Utah on June 2 she has another week and a day till she comes home. We miss her terribly. J doesn't always express himself as the fact that he loves/misses her and is also her brother so he likes to pick on her and make her angry. They go back and forth blocking each other because one is mad she didn't answer his facetime and the other is mad that he said he is getting Mom's car when he turns 16 😲. 

Things have become much more routine I remember morning and evening meds and bedtimes are good. Since it is summer I usually go to bed between 10-11pm and I tell him he can stay up but not much past 12. He does really well with self regulating that. 

I am adjusting to him being slightly girl crazy! He wants to date everyone he meets. It seems having a girlfriend is super important to him. I mean this is my first rodeo with a 14 year old boy so I am sure it is all NORMAL. Also he was in a facility with all boys for several years so I am sure he is ready to be around girls. 

Mom such a simple yet complex word

It’s been 41 days since meeting in person our newest edition 14 year old “J”. Since the second meeting he has called my husband logan dad... and sometimes me mom but mostly I’m “Ms Amber” (I told him hey you can call me amber I just don’t prefer Ms Amber). He did it several more times and again my hubby is ALWAYS Dad.... I didn’t say anything till after he moved in. And then I told him again you don’t have to call me Mom but please don’t call me Ms amber 😂. 

Some times he would call me mom but mostly it was still Ms Amber this and that. I took to just responding with “Mister” before his name. Maybe that’s petty and I’m certainly not trying to be petty just don’t prefer the Miss added to my name. He laughed and took it in stride. 

Two days ago we were riding and this young lady I know that’s a family friend texted his phone and said “are you with your mom or dad” he showed me and I laughed and said “Tell her you’re with Miss Amber” he busted our laughing and texted back “I’m with my mom”. Those words mean something so precious coming from a child who is 14 years old and has only known me for 41 days of his 5,195 days of life. 

He loves his biological mom as I think most kids from care do. We talk about her and I love when he tells me about being little. There are some stories that make my heart ache but I’m thankful he is brave enough to share them. I will never take his mothers place but I can’t lie and say I don’t want to be his mom. It’s been two days since he has said miss amber and if he does again I’ll update. 

My favorite time of the day is bedtime when I get precious hugs lasting 30 seconds and tell him I love him and he says it back. The love I have for him grows every day and I’m blessed to be is mom .... or miss amber whichever he prefers. 

10pm is second dinner

So we have family dinner time at 6/6:30 daily we all sit at the table. J can literally finish his food in under two minutes if he makes his plate by the time the next person is at the table he’s done and getting up. I had to gently remind him that we all sit together for dinner time and even if he finished early he can stay a bit. 
He doesn’t eat much during the day but around 10pm he has what I refer to as second dinner in which he eats either 3 bowls of cereal with milk, 2 packs of pop tarts or Ramen noodles. I know it’s not healthy but he is hungry and we don’t want him to go hungry. 
Lesson here for those that are not trauma informed. Kiddos from care often come with food issues. I don’t know why my kiddo wants to eat so late. I think it’s when his adhd meds which prob make him not very hungry wear off or maybe it’s a teenage boy thing. But food can help to bond and it’s best to not say no when they ask for food. 

J for Now

J for Now

         For the blog purposes and also in real life social media our newest kiddo goes by J. We left off the last post getting matched officially on April 3rd 2020. On this day his social worker told him there was a family that wanted him. (this makes me weepy still because no child should EVER feel unwanted :( but so many do!) On April 6th 2020 I got word that we could "meet" via face time so I rushed home from work to "meet" our newest kid (definitely not the most ideal way to meet but we worked with that due to Covid-19). We had a one hour call and he was way bigger than his video (had been posted for a year on heart gallery) The call went perfect and truly it was LOVE at first sight this is the message I emailed our APAC worker:

Hey just updating you we FaceTimed our J today. We got to talk for a whole hour. Love him already. We gave him a virtual tour of our house. Him and the girls chatted and asked each other questions. He told us about his siblings and he just wants to know when he gets to come here. ️️ Best day ever.

     

     We had weekly phone calls that were limited to only 15 Minutes each time. I mailed him a package and sent photos so he could look at them. We were told that we could not do any visits due to Covid-19. Eventually we were told we could do a one day visit which had to take place before we could have a weekend visit to our house. 

  Our one day visit began on April 24, 2020 we drove to the small town Alabama city he was close to and rented an Airbnb for the night so that we could pick him up right at 8 am. The next morning all of our nerves in a bunch we drove over to pick him up! He climbed in the car and we were all still very nervous, but after 5 minutes we were all talking and it was completely fine! We played games and he built legos with Logan and the kids and we colored I knew for absolute certain this was the one it had been the one the whole time we went through our process. I know we were called to be his family. Here is the email update I sent the workers: 

Thank you for making a way. Our family enjoyed our time yesterday. J seemed to enjoy it too. We played uno and board games and then just let the kiddos hang out and chat it up. I don’t think a more perfect day could be had. We are all very eager to take the next step in the process. And again from the bottom of my heart thank you for making this happen! He fit in like he is already their brother and my kiddo. P (age 3) my youngest told A (13) and N (11) he is only her brother not theirs. We had some pics printed at Walgreens so that he could have those at the facility he took back. Here is what we took yesterday ️️ (My heart is full and also sad to leave him.)

Amber

  I immediately asked to have our next visit scheduled and on May 1st we got to pick him up to come and stay for the weekend. That weekend went great and I asked right away for him to move in. The more we heard about the place he was having to live at the more I wanted him living with us ASAP plus I hated not hearing from him except once a week for 15 Min. Here is the email I sent after the weekend:

 J was taken back to the facility this morning. We enjoyed our 3 days with him and he has acclimated seemingly well. I am interested to see how he does this week upon returning. We have no reservations at this time and none for the foreseeable future. At this point I am wondering if we can anticipate/plan a move in date or plan to work towards. If we are not ready at this point to discuss that I would request possibly getting another visit scheduled and if possible a longer time frame (maybe a week of applicable) I would like to extend the bonding work we have already begun working towards integrating him into the family as soon as we can. He is fitting in well with our children and listening very well at anything we asked of him. He has expressed that he is ready to move in. I also realize maybe his school year is finishing up and we may have to wait that out so just looking for guidance and what can be expected. I pray you all are well. 

  We were shot down for the move in but they agreed for a week visit so from May 9th-17th he was at our house and it was perfect. While he was there I messaged asking to keep him and was told no but they did return with a Permanency plan and move in date of May 28th. Here is the email I sent following  that week: 

Per my usual just letting all of you know that our week was amazing. We hated dropping him off. He wants me to see if it’s possible to pick him Friday to Monday since he can’t move home till next Thursday the 28th. It’s a long drive but he is worth it. Thanks for all of your hard work with this transition we are so happy to have our moving in date. I told him it’s only ten more sleeps till forever and to be good. It’s so tough only hearing from him once a week. Four hugs before bedtime last night because he wanted so much to have it not be today.

Hope you all have a great week!!

We did have a weekend visit the weekend before move in and all in all I counted 8 Round trips 2.5 hours each way Worth.Every.Mile. On May 28th he got to move in with us and as of today it has been one week. This kiddo is awesome. Will share more about him in following posts. 

Finding Our Match

Finding Our Match

    We wanted to submit on a kiddo right away so went on Heart Gallery and did submit on two diff kiddo's this was the moment that I had been waiting for. And then for a while I heard nothing. I made a post in a FB group and asked how long it can take and received varying answers. Luckily APAC has wonderful people and our family advocate reached out and asked which kiddo's I had applied for and got the ball rolling fast. Our family had a few things that were what we considered hard no's for us. This is one of the things your classes will go over is what things you can and cannot handle. Well the two kids ended up not being able to match to our family due to some of this or sometimes they couldn't be placed with other kids or younger kids. We were then emailed NIBS (Non Identifying Background Summary) on a kiddo who unfortunately would not have fit either. 

   Nonetheless we pressed on. At one point I looked at Logan (hubby) and said what if I changed my mind? What if this is truly too much for us to take on. I cried over some of the children's summary's and questioned if I could really take on the responsibility of helping these kids rise from the trauma of their lives. I searched my soul and talked at length to Logan and my bio kiddos and found strength in their answers. So daily I looked at the heart gallery and originally we were staying between ages of 6-10 trying to stay between our youngest and middle child. 

  One day(March 23. 2019)  I came across this kiddo he was 14 and so cute and his bio seemed to align with our family. His video was sweet and he seemed super sad in it. I messaged the link to my older kids and to Logan. They all said yes this one. So then I hit apply. I immediately messaged our family advocate to tell her I inquired and who it was on. The next day she sent me his NIBS. I anxiously read them, every single kids Nibs I have read has made me cry there is always some back and forth in the system before they are totally taken and it's so sad for them. But after reading I forwarded it to my hubby and we both agreed we can handle it. Nothing was a red flag that was listed on it. On March 27th we replied without hesitation YES!! Next stop was staffing in which APAC, the social worker, the state adoption worker and others who then scour our home study and read all information available on the kiddo to make the best decision for the CHILD concerned. We anxiously awaited our phone call saying we were matched. Now our next steps will look slightly diff than the norm because we were in the throws of a pandemic (covid-19) and state shut down... 

In the next post we will talk about "meeting" our newly matched Kiddo!! 

Instant Family Inspiration

Instant Family Inspiration

       One evening in the summer of 2019 me and my family rented and watched a movie named  Instant Family. Which of course is about a married couple who adopts a sibling set from Foster Care. It shows the trials and victories you can go through and is based on a true story. Well in watching this movie it is where I learned that literally thousands of children in the United States are available for adoption immediately (their parents rights have been terminated through the state). I immediately googled and found https://www.adoptuskids.org/ and also our local heart gallery. Every single day I looked on them and clicked on each child and read their story and watched their videos. I never knew kids would be listed in this way but do understand that is how they find families that may match them. I began researching and reading everything I could read. I would send the kids profiles to my husband to look at and he would ask me why I was sending them. You see we are already parents of 3 girls... One of which we had a time with last year getting her diagnosed with Bipolar including hospitalizations. 

     I started telling friends and family that I was thinking of beginning the steps to adopt a boy through the state from foster care. I was asked if I was crazy... The faces they would make thinking that he would hurt my other kids (at this point just a fictional child as far as they were concerned). A lot of this thinking is because so many people share the bad only that happens. I joined many Facebook groups on older child adoption. There were so many positive stories!! 

   So after much praying and soul searching and speaking to my kids and also to my husband we applied to adopt through an awesome program APAC- Alabama Pre and Post Adoption Connections. They were very responsive and helps me to get all of our information over to them. This was August 2019 that we began the paperwork process.  Normally after paperwork pre approval you can begin your certification classes(tips class)  usually in a group, but the closest one was 2 hours from us and in the evening and just not possible for us to attend. At first I thought that this would be preventative to us and we couldn't continue.... but APAC told me that if they can do the background checks and get us fully approved they would let us do our classes in our home around our schedule with a retired Social Worker! At the end of September we were told everything came back a yes and we scheduled with a wonderful retired Social worker named Wanda. 

   This next part seemed to take the longest we had a couple holidays and delays in between but we began the classes in October 2019 and we took ten diff classes that taught us to be Trauma informed. Wanda would come and bring the kiddos pizza and cookies and teach us the ins and outs of Trauma. It was crazy how much we already knew from our kids situations being that my oldest daughter experienced a traumatic situation at 3 years old with a domestic violence situation between me and her biological father. These classes were provided to us at no cost other than our time. We were FINALLY certified February 27, 2020 and able to then inquire on kiddos.